And there are, and will be, moments in life that we will have to say, no matter how we don’t want to, these words by Mr. Fitzsimmons (hey I like how his surname sound). I won’t go there though. I guess a couple of blog posts about him is enough. I was hurt, but it’s not that I am not ready for a no. What hurt is how his message came to me. I think nobody deserves that, and for that… I think, this is goodbye… even though I don’t want to.
I think I gave him way too much credit. But hurting me that way proved to me that I’m better off just friends with you… if he talks to me ever again, that is. For now, this is goodbye.
And I cry myself to sleep
And you thought I was happy
I was lonely
Had nowhere to go
I’ve been wanting to post an entry since the weekend started, presuming that this weekend started from Friday and ends tonight. But I’ve been bugged with either work stuff, my own laziness, the weather, or Murphy’s Law. Damn Murphy whoever he is and why does he have to make a law. Well, I know it’s not that man’s fault but whenever it happens, I just can help but to curse whatever you can curse.
If it can go wrong, it will. It’s my mom’s ageless favorite quote and you can bet your life savings that she will quote at will. When the door has been kept open, when you can just latch it. When you drop something while texting. When you forgot to feed the dogs. Whenever you do something wrong, virtually. For her you can avoid everything if you put this one liner of a bloody quote in your head. I don’t know how or if ever it bums my mom when she quotes herself in her head, but as for me, I hate blaming no one else but myself. It is life’s sole inevitable circumstance – you cannot blame anyone else but yourself.
To think, life could be easier if you can just blame everything else. But what good it is to point?
Putting things into perspective, this should drive you to be a better person. Then if not, what’s the use of three days of sulking and thinking. When enough is enough then comes the time to move on.
It’s really funny how small things like this affects me and leads me into an existential crisis. Maybe it’s just me because they say I think a lot. Or overthink for that matter. Or maybe I’ve been avoiding this moment that I have to reevaluate myself and see where I really stand. No I’m not telling you what happened, ’cause that defeats the purpose of taking this to myself. But I am sharing to you what I learned. Learn to look forward.
One thing though. I don’t deal good with interruptions. I’m not a man of routine either. And I guess I have to know what I want from life. Am I spontaneous? Or am I a routine person? There can be only one side. Or maybe I can be both. For now, I don’t know.
This is all I ever wanted from life
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I can’t even start how this day (technically yesterday) was an emotional whirlwind for me, it was up then it was down, and it was up all over again… then down again. It feels like a yoyo, but what the hell. I was glad though a party of people was there to distract me. Spiraling downward is the last thing I need now but I am glad how this spiraling made me realize a lot of things.
I guess, we can’t choose from what and where we learn things.
Well, you really have to follow me @Jonver_David in Twitter to know these realizations, hehe. What a cheapskate’s try on luring you to follow me on Twitter! LOL!
One thing though, and drill this to your craniums:
You accept the love you think you deserve.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky ’99
And cue music. Then repeat.
…I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
and it’s brighter than sunshine.
Very angsty teenager of me, but I feel like one tonight…
I’m never the kind of teen who listened to Yellowcard then, so I do not know for the sake of my life why I am listening to them now, haha!
But then, again, the songs I listen lately speak for me now.
So I guess, there, my inner angsty punk is out in the open now.
*puts on eyeliner*
You see, I was never the one to have good memories. And pictures of you aren’t enough for me to keep memories of you when there are so much about you that I wanted to never want to forget.
I want my eyes to remember every detail of your face, how you have that scar, or how your eyes twitch sometimes. I want my nose to remember your fragrant scent, and how come you don’t wear any perfume. I want my ears to remember your unusually small yet charming voice, especially when you sung to me that certain Christmas day. I want my lips to remember how soft yours were, and how they tasted after you just finished your cigarette. I want my fingers to remember every curve of your body, and how it was the only solace I have when I almost killed myself.
I want to remember you. But even if I want to, how can I bring it all back? How do I keep you in my mind when it won’t hold on? I’d like to remember these things for the rest of my life, ‘cause if there’s any memory I’d want to keep for myself for this moment, it’s all about you.
If it’s the only thing I’d do, I want to remember you.
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If life has been any simpler than a twisted game of Monopoly Deal, I probably would have won with a deal breaker and a sly deal in hand.
But it ain’t a friggin’ game, and I may need my daily does of milk tea to calm my all too frantic self.