I just came home from a hospital duty. It will be my last as a student, and it’s making up for one absence last January. I have planned my Monday though. Sleep the whole morning (been planning to do so for a long time, since Twestival), finish blog backlogs, then go to the Loop‘s taste test with Ros, Charlene, and Tiffy. So basically, day is ruined because none of those plans materialized. PLUS I’LL BE IN DUTY which sucks because it’s vacation already!
*I’m currently drooling because of Ros‘ pictures. WHY OF ALL DAYS?!*
Anyway. My duty is in Calalang General Hospital. It’s where I was born via CS. For the last duty of my entire college life, it’s quite surreal to have it in the place where my Mom actually gave birth to a pretty little monster like me. Others may call it coincidence. I call it an omen to a new beginning.
I don’t like nursing. I can tell that I hate it to the core. I only took it because I wanna please my folks. I took it because I am positive, when all things were positive for me, that one day I’ll get what I want. I just have to give it a shot for them. For them. I even did an article for Bounce Magazine some of the chronicles of my days in the nursing field. That was Sophomore. Days went by, frustration after frustration (profession and university-related) I start to hate the fact that I never thought I’d run out of love for everything that I’m doing.
I started rebelling. Going home late, not studying my lessons, not preparing for duties. I want to shut out everything nursing-related, just to calm a silent rage in my insides. I thought – why did I even do this to myself. I kept on convincing myself that I do this for (specifying now) my grandmother, who just wanted the bestest for his grandson. She wanted me to settle in NY with her. She just wanted better life for me. I used to be blinded by the bright lights of the city that never sleeps, but I just came to realize it isn’t worth it when you just lost four (six for me) years of precious college days.
I didn’t join any org. I know very limited people in my institute, all the less my university. I’d hop from UP to CSB to anywhere I won’t find nursing just to escape the fact that I am a student nurse. I don’t comply to rules. I’d sleep in very uninteresting classes. I rebelled because I can’t get what I want. I rebelled because I believe this is not what is right for me. People should follow their hearts. Happiness is the ultimate end of all things in this life. Then again, I am not happy any longer. I used to, but I guess trying to pretend really didn’t mend the wound. It just turned a scratch to a gaping wound.
To this day, I itch to get out of nursing. I’m caught in between leaving the profession before or after I take the board exam. I am already in the crossroads of my life, where I decide where I go next. It’s a whole new adventure. New beginnings are yet to come. I am half excited and half scared. People just don’t drop out of a profession after graduating from it. But people do the craziest things for happiness. I want to remind myself that I did this out of love. Out of selfless love. Then again, shouldn’t I start loving myself just for now?
As I end this post (rant-ish, yes
maybe) I am filled with dilemma. I am trying to encompass what I have realized for the past four years now. The what-if’s, the could-have-been’s, the why-did-I-ever’s. Too late for sourgraping though.
I just want a new beginning. I can feel its ominous arrival.
I’ll leave you with Sing by My Chemical Romance. After Glee sang this in S02E13, I instantly googled the original song. It inspires me really.
Everytime that you lose it sing it for the world.